Deacon Dr. Fresh Wine Newsletter

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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Deacon Throws Down the Gauntlet...

A subtle hello on this rainy day...I am here for you...that's right...yes dear friends...
Some of you more glannative and lurch of my homeys will recognize the (now demolished) burger joint in the picture. It is of course, the beloved Zingburger, which graced the West side of Victoria Park Avenue between Lawrence and Eglinton, for many wonderful years. As a purveyor of late-night fat, grease and lipids, the Zingburger had few equals, and was in fact, the early AM residence of your humble Deacon, who actually dwelt directly across the street from said restaurant, during his formative years. But before I explain the reason for its reappearance on my blog, let me provide the usual blessed rant to the morons...

To all you slack-jawed troglodytes and linseed sniffing de-educationalistic spine-dogs, jack waggons and puddle wallowers, I, the rightful King of Mars order you to accept this salute:

Toss my caber!

OK, and now on to less cathartic matters...

Somehow, your svelte, Welterweight Deacon has become a Fat Bastard. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. Back when I was a mere Apprentice Deacon, I could "dine" at the Zingburger and stuff my kilt with burgers, fries, onion rings, etc., with nary an ounce gained, but such are the blessings of youth. Somehow, this has all changed, and I have managed to blow up to a nasty and blimpular 182.6 lbs on my 5 foot 10 inch frame., which totally sux the rich red rocket. Action is clearly required, and I'm axing you to get onboard with me, if you're in the same ship. There's still time to wow the babes this summer, but we've got to act fast. I've got to get back under 170 lbs and be a Welterweight again, or I'm in danger of being defeated in a mugging by as few as 9 or 10 young thugs, and that just ain't right.

Now there are a few options available:

The Mr. Clean Diet: All you do is drink a fruitjuice glass full of Mr. Clean before every meal. Rough on the gut, but very, very effective. You can lose up to 30 lbs. per day on this simple diet, but it's so aggressive, it can be fatal, and should only be attempted under a physician's observation.

The Alphabet Diet: Very creative. On day 1 you can eat anything that begins with A. On day 2, B, etc. It has some disadvantages though. On day 16 you're eating pie, pizza, potato chips, popcorn, peanuts, drinking pop, etc., which tends to pack on the pounds and depress you. On the other hand, when you reach day 24, you can only eat Xanax, which will help ease your depression, and xylophones and x-ray machines, which will tend to quickly drop the weight again.

But personally, I'm checkin' out the 4 Hour Body Diet by Timothy Ferriss, because it's worked really well for a number of my friends. It's pretty easy to follow, and you not only get to binge on it, you have to binge, which is awesome! You literally get to eat whatever the F you want, one day per week in unlimited quantity. Now tell me, isn't that better than salad and tiny portions? Here's what I just had for lunch, and it's not even a binge day. (Note that all foods are organic and purchased at either The Big Carrot or Fresh From the Farm):
  • 2 sausages (you heard me, sausages!)
  • huge mound of refried beans
  • 2 slices of turkey
  • big spoonful of guacamole
  • big spoonful of chunky salsa
  • pea shoot sprouts
  • tomatoes
  • 1 cup of ginger tea
And I'm losing weight, peckahs! I'm actually losing weight. The funny thing about this way of eating, is if you aren't losing probably aren't eating enough. I'm not kidding. The Deaconess, naturally, is totally skeptical, but she won't be, once the mega-babes are ogling your humble Deacon's lean and mean frame. So although I don't have the intestines to post a hideous before picture online, I will post an after picture in my best pair of AC/DC boxers, which gives you all something to look forward to with baited breath.

So who's onboard the Black Freighter with me? Who will join me under this black flag? Who will email me or post on this blog and say:

"Yes Deacon! I'm with you! I'm sick of being a Fat Bastard too, and I'm going to change in time for summer!"

Let me hear from you dirigibles...I'll post the best responses.


(Oh, and this sentence contains the mandatory wine reference.)

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Soon to be leaner and meaner than most of you

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