Deacon Dr. Fresh Wine Newsletter

A Wine Newsletter With An Edge - Definitely NOT your typical white bread, mofo, cracker, peckerwood, jank, peckercracker wine newsletter! If this info is too advanced for you, check out my other newsletter: Wine for Dix at http://winefordix.blogspot.com

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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The Deacon Interviews Lurch and Luscious Jennifer Rosen!

Greetings fanz, foze, frenz and assorted foolz!

To all my Legion of Lurch, my Pirate Crue, I greet you warmly and with rich menace. Wassup?

We gots a kool interview for y'all today, with Mega Wine-Babe Jennifer "Chotzi" Rosen, shown in the photograph on the left. Now I think her moniker should be pronounced "Hotzi", because most of you dudes readin' this have already forgotten about wine! So get your eyes off her picture, your minds out of the gutter, and stop thinkin' about boppin' in the beater!

Oh yeah...I almost forgot:

To all of you lounge lizard, boardwalk strollin', latte drinkin', Panama hat wearin', stereotypical, cottage music blastin', bluetooth addicted DIX...

Bite my mizzen mast!

Chotzi met up with me during a recent visit to Toronto. We lunched at Captain John's, and then each grabbed a leopard skin chaise longue and a glass of Henry of Pelham Non-Oaked Chardonnay, and stretched out in the sun on the helicopter deck of the Black Freighter. The water lapped in the background, punctuated by the horn of the Toronto Island Ferry and the soothing sound of Adam Sutherland scraping barnacles and zebra mussels off the hull with a long-handled squeegee.

As we began to rap, I realized that Chotzi's a lot more than just lurch looks. This babe's really done it all! She's been a horse trainer, ski-instructor and private eye. She's a certified Graphoanalyst (that's handwriting expert to those of you in Keswick), trapeze artist and belly dancer. (She wanted to demonstrate, but I told her it would be bad for the Deacon's blood pressure.) Jennifer is fluent in Spanish, Italian and French and is now studying Arabic. I swear to you, I'm not makin' any of this up! She's also going to be studying hypnosis in the fall at the University of Toronto, with my homey, hypno-wizard Mike Mandel. How weirdly lurch is all that?

Chotzi is known best for her excellent wine website, The Cork Jester. She won the 2005 James Beard Award for Internet writing on food, restaurant, beverage or nutrition. But I'm writin' this today to put you onto a couple of her excellent wine books.

The first one is Waiter, there's a horse in my wine

Chotzi sent me a copy a few months back and it's frickin' entertaining as hell! The back cover says "Stop worrying about wine and start enjoying it!" So true. How many nose in the air crackerpeckerdix ruin wine for everyone by being too damn serious? Well this book aint serious in tone, but it's information you can take to the bank. This woman knows her stuff...

The book is a compendium of fascinating wine wisdom, including such arcane subjects as "Great Expectorations: Spitting is an art, too." One of my favourites is "If Tannins Could Talk: They'd say "Don't eat me!""

A couple of weeks back, Chotzi was good enough to send me another book: The Cork Jester's Guide to Wine

This is another totally entertaining volume. One minute she's talking about Pinot Gris and then suddenly switches to Jell-O shots and nipples. Then you're reading an article on Cabernet and suddenly the topic has switched to spanking! But don't worry. Jennifer's provocative, but never offensive. The fact that you're readin' the Deacon means you can handle it!

Her books combine wit, irony, and totally kool info in her own inimitable style. Another great thing about them, is you can open them anywhere and just start reading. But keep a highliter handy 'cause you're gonna need it. There's a lot of stuff here you won't want to forget. For example: cinnamon, cloves and Christmas spices say French oak, while coconut and vanilla mean American oak. That's just a hint of the lurch stuff this ultra-lurchette has packed into these concentrated volumes. Chotzi's not just beater-boppin' hot. She's as sharp as a tack too, with a wicked sense of humour. So I'm ratin' both her books 5 frickin' starz!

You heard me.

5 frickin' starz
for content, delivery and sheer entertaining value!

Buy them at Chapters Indigo by clickin' on the links on this posting. Order them! (call to action) You'll thank me, just as I, am thanking me.

At the end of the day, your humble Deacon bade the Babe bye bye and packed her in my leased, black, Apache AH-64A Attack Helicopter with Adam at the controls, for her short jaunt to Pearson Airport. As the turbine whined and the collective engaged, the chopper lifted smoothly on the ground cushion, and Adam loosed a 60 round burst of depleted uranium shells from the chaingun at a couple of tourists who were getting too close to the Black Freighter. Chotzi had told me that the thing she liked best about wine was the people.

Amen to that, I thought...Amen to that.

Deacon Dr. Fresh
Promotin' wine-babes worldwide

1 Comments:

Blogger sarena said...

Badass.

11:08 PM  

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