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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

The Deacon Meets the Hypnotist!

Yo Yo Yo!


a special "wassup" to all my homeys and my Pirate Crue called The Legion of Lurch, and let's not forget all you crackerpecker, braindead, albatross-wearin', cornerwipe, redneck, backhouse washin', clock-windin', peckerdine, bag-scratches who still just don't get it at all!

Well I got's to bring y'all up to date on my weekend that's still leaving me reelin'! A few days back your humble Deacon attended an event at The House of Comedy in Hamilton Ontario. I had the evenin' off, so I loaded up the Aston Martin DB5 with a couple of bottles of the red stuff for the drive and hit the QEW burnin! At least I would have been burnin if all you motherdine dix out there hadn't gotten in front of me. One mofo in a Ferrari sat on my nose for miles doin' a paltry 165 klix! I finally jostled him out of the way with my over-rider rams and then nudged him onto the shoulder with my tire-slashers. The Ferrari exploded in a satisfying fireball, showering my bulletproof windshield with shards of white-hot metal.
Anyway, I hit the 403 and finally arrived at the House of Comedy. The reason I went to this cosy little club was to check out the talent of 6 Time Award Winning Hypnotist Mike Mandel. Now I'd heard about this white-boy for years. He's been on a lot of TV programs like W5, Jonovision, Discovery Channel, as well as a ton of stuff in Australia. I'd also heard him mentioned by name in the Goddo song Pretty Bad Boys, as in "I ain't no Mike Mandel, but I can read your mind!" Nevertheless, I wanted to see his abilities first-hand. Well homeys, it was wierd! Mandel got a bunch of volunteers on the stage and just talked to them for a minute or two. Then they started freakin' out and chasing invisible birds! It was totally lurch! I caught up with Mike after the show. The two of us signed autographs for the fanz and then the following interview trance-spired:
DDF - So Homey, we finally meet. It's strange, but I feel like I know you...
Mike Mandel - Yeah Dr. Fresh. It's an honour, of course. I've read everything you've ever written. I loved your Transylvanian travelog.
DDF - Call me Deacon. So how long you been hypnotizin' people?
Mike Mandel - Most of my life. I started on my friends when I was a kid. Professionally I've been doing this for 31 years.
DDF - What's your wine of choice?
Mike Mandel - My favourite has got to be Pinot Noir. I'm especially partial to Norman Hardie's version.
DDF - Me too. Hardie does a good one. What to you think of Cono Sur?
Mike Mandel - I think that for the price, you really can't beat it. Where else can you get a reasonable everyday Pinot for about 10 bucks? The Chileans are doing some good work although some of their whites can be a bit sulfurous.
DDF - I understand that you're a martial arts freak like me...Where and how do you train?
Mike Mandel - I meet with a bunch of guys who do a form of jiu jitsu. I'm a Master Instructor in the system. Perhaps you and I could exchange techniques some time. I think we may find some similarities in our methods. I favour joint-locks and of course ground and pound. I've got a pretty good right cross. I knocked a guy out with it on a hayride with Kim Mitchell many years ago.
DDF - How do you stay in condition on the road?
Mike Mandel - I take my vitamins, get lots of sleep and have drastically cut down the coffee and donuts the last year or two. For exercise I do Matt Furey's Combat Conditioning. It keeps me in kick-ass shape without weights or equipment.
DDF - What's your music of choice on a gig night?
Mike Mandel - Before the show it's AC/DC of course. Afterwards I have to wind down again and usually listen to Leonard Cohen or Tom Waits or perhaps Radiohead.
DDF - All great stuff! Now we come to the obvious question: The Octagon! What do you think of the upcoming Matt Hughes / Royce Gracie fight?
Mike Mandel - It's really a tough call. Hughes is very skilled and fit, but I have to go with Royce. I emailed him a few weeks ago and told him I thought he would win it. He was nice enough to respond and thank me.
DDF - What wine will you be drinking while you watch the fight on Pay per View?
Mike Mandel - The same as I drank when I watched you defeat Robert Parker last November: Black Swan Shiraz. It's my first choice whenever I watch a cage-fight.
DDF - Yeah, that wine's got gonads alright! Back to Hughes vs. Gracie...How do you think Royce will approach this?
Mike Mandel - Well Hughes is a powerful wrestler and I favour him in the strength department. But you have to remember, just because Royce hasn't been fighting in the UFC, he still has not stopped. He's been fighting in Japan for years. Remember: Royce has fought 3 opponents in one night and that was back when there were no weight-classes.
DDF - Yeah Homey. I'm goin' for Gracie too. What's your predikshun?
Mike Mandel - Royce by submission in round 2. And that's a mentalist talking...
DDF - If you could have any partner in the Octagon for a tag-team event, who would you pick? Assuming it's not me of course...
Mike Mandel - If not the Deacon, I'd go with John Szabo. He's good with the punches and has a nasty crescent kick.
DDF - Who would you fight in the Octagon and what wine would you drink while in training?
Mike Mandel - There are many options here of course...Hmmmm...Naturally, I'd like to fight William Shatner. Ideally I'd fight Shatner, O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake in the same night.
DDF - Because they all killed their wives and got away with it! Good call! What wine would you drink?
Mike Mandel - Probably a Chilean Carmenere. Not too heavy but with lots of antioxidants and cardiac support.
DDF - Who would you fight in the recording industry?
Mike Mandel - That's easy. Jessica Simpson. I'd neck-crank her in the first round, just for being so annoyingly vacuous and plastic. She actually makes Paris Hilton seem like a human being. The wine would be a good Chablis or perhaps Meursault. I'd like to fight Ted Kennedy too, just because his head is unusually large. I'd also love to fight that idiot who does the pathetic English accent in those horrible Pizza Ville radio ads. You know: "That's 3636. Not free sex, free sex".
DDF - Yeah. What a dick. Anyone else make the list?
Mike Mandel - Yeah. I'd love to fight Benny Hinn. I'd trip him and choke him out. I'd leave the choke on for about 4 minutes and say "Let's see you heal this, Benny!" Hinn's the worst as well as the richest hypnotist I've ever seen.
DDF - I hear ya Bro! That crackerpecker gives religion a bad name. Any wine in particular?
Mike Mandel - Manischewitz with ginger ale.
DDF - Good call. Well Benny...If you're readin' this, you heard the challenge! Mikey, if the peckerdine accepts I'm sure my cutman Billy Munnelly will sit in your corner. How would you fight Keith Richards?
Mike Mandel - I'd pull out his bourbon IV tube. Then he'd starve to death. You know who I'd really like to fight though? Dan Brown.
DDF - The Da Vinci Code dude? So would I! What a consummate bastard water! I believe there's a special place in hell for those who mess with the Good Book.
Mike Mandel - So do I.
DDF - What do you do in the evenings when you don't got to do a gig?
Mike Mandel - I watch American Idol whenever I can. It's my raison etre.
DDF -Really?
Mike Mandel - AS IF! I read. Lately it's been Poe, Tennyson and Sylvia Plath.
DDF - So what's in the cards for "The World's Greatest Hypnotist"?
Mike Mandel - Well, I've had Bravo TV following me around lately. They filmed me teaching jiu jitsu, doing a live hypnosis show and teaching clinicians at U of T. That'll be on Arts and Minds in the next few months.
DDF - I'll be watchin' for it.
Mike Mandel - Also I'll be doing hypnosis at the Canadian National Exhibition again for my fourth consecutive year. I'm back at the Oakville Centre for the Performing Arts in November. In the meantime, I'm still doing the corporate stuff...
DDF - Thanks Mike. Keep up the good work!
Mike Mandel - You too Deacon. We'll meet again.
I watched the black Acura A-Spec with the HYPNOSIS plates roar out of the parking lot, Leonard Cohen's The Future blasting from the BOSE stereo. We have much in common, I thought...
You heard me.
Deacon Dr Fresh
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