Deacon Dr. Fresh Wine Newsletter
A Wine Newsletter With An Edge - Definitely NOT your typical white bread, mofo, cracker, peckerwood, jank, peckercracker wine newsletter! If this info is too advanced for you, check out my other newsletter: Wine for Dix at http://winefordix.blogspot.com
- Name: Deacon Dr. Fresh
- Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!
Monday, January 30, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
The Deacon and the Canadian Dean of Wine Finally Meet!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Deacon Dr. McFresh Celebrates Robbie Burns Day!
McWassup? McCrackers and McMofos!
Monday, January 23, 2006
Canada's Newest Winery Opens!!!
After the recent and terrifying post by our Roving Reporter Rozeen Diego, I have a real lurch interview for y'all! Today we're rappin' with the man in the picture: Charlie C. "Chuck" Waggon from his winery in Kirkland Lake. Chuck has taken up the challenge, and has just opened up against all odds, the World's Northernmost Winery in the usually frozen wasteland of Northern Ontario.
D.D.F. - So Chuck...they said it couldn't be done and shouldn't be done, but you've done it! You've created a whole new wine appellation that only needs VQA recognition to start to boom.
Chuck - That's true, that's true. I fought the friggin bastards on the Town Council who wouldn't let me build a winery on their property. Then I fought the idiots in France who wouldn't supply my vines and now I'm fightin for recognition with the VQA. I hope they'll prove to be a little more sensible and get behind my product.
D.D.F - Where did y'all settle on as the location for your winery, Chuck?
Chuck - Well I tried to put it right smack on the bastard parking lot of the Comfort Inn, but the sumbitches wouldn't let me. I wound up building the winery in my garage. Naturally it aint real big, but we're aiming at a limited quantity anyway - say 2 cases the first couple of years, so we have to charge a premium price. Then again it's gonna be a premium product, so who gives a bastard?
D.D.F. - What do you consider a premium price?
Chuck - I figure for something that's been as much of a royal pain in the ass as this venture, 2 grand a bottle ought to be a fair price. The problem is we got a really short sonofabitch growing season here. That creates certain difficulties for our winemaker.
D.D.F. - How long is your season?
Chuck - We're looking at about 6 days on a good year; 7 for the icewine. The rest of the time the ground's frozen and everyone has SAD and is depressed and pissed off, expecially my brother Roy, our wine maker. If he goes off his meds we're screwed with a capital F.
D.D.F. - What kind of training does Roy have?
Chuck - Well the bastard's been drunk most of his adult life. I reckon that gives him a certain credibility and cache.
D.D.F. - So tell me about your winery itself. What's it called?
Chuck - Well I wanted to call it "F.U. Winery", because that's what I've wound-up saying to almost everyone connected with the venture. Roy wanted to call it "You Sonofabitch!" Winery cause that's what you can hear him yelling at the vat when the whoreson leaks grape juice over his snow-mobile tarpaulin. We compromised for commercial reasons and gave 25,000 bucks to a company that specializes in corporate branding. They came up with the final name: "Kirkland Lake Estate Winery". My brother thinks it's crap, but I think it's friggin' brilliant!
Chuck - We're only going with 2 grapes right now. Pinot Noir and Concord. We buy the Pinot Grapes directly from France cause there's no friggin way they'll grow up here. By the time they arrive and clear customs they're in pretty rough shape, so we boil the bastards down and make Ma Waggon's Heartbreak Grape Preserves.
D.D.F - So your mother's involved in this too?
Chuck - Hell no! She's been dead for years! We just use her mason jars for the jam.
For the Concord, we buy cases of Welch's grape juice at the IGA. Then we open the jars and leave them in the garage near the husky kennel until a nice yeast infection forms a crust on the surface. Then we boil it down and let it freeze and bingo! By June, we got ice-wine!
D.D.F. - So if I got this right, you're not actually growin' any of your own grapes?
Chuck - Hell no! You can't even get a backhoe to break through this ground until the second week of the August thaw. By then winter's on the way again and the ground starts to freeze up pretty quick.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Roving Reporter Rozeen Spooked at the Glendale Hilton Wine Expo!
Yo Again, Boyz and Hos!
Roving Reporter Rozeen Diego here...
Friday, January 20, 2006
First Report From Our Kalifornia Konnexion!
Yo Yo Yo Kanadian Krackahs!
His Excellency the Lurchman Deacon Dr. Fresh has condescended to grant Rozeen Diego an OK-shun-ell column in the Lurchest online Winofest of all time!
So today I gots to first of all letchall know that Taco's funeral went real lurch. Here's the link to the story regarding his untimely death:
The Deacon was right. Once we got into the Shiraz, we stopped missin' him and by bottle 18 we started dissin' him for the dumb, peckerjacker crackerwoodpile dirtbag he really was. Even his frickin parents said he was a mofo and deserved to die! So thanks Dr. Fresh for making the funeral more fun than a Greek wedding! (I'll get Shasta and Bevalante to take care o' ya next time you's in L.A.)
So here we are in Kalifornia - the land of Napa, Sonoma and frickin' Sideways. Man I hated that jank film! I was trashin Mer-effin-low before those wannabees ever even heard of it! I just moved to South Central from San Diego and am writin' this update from the computer at Jefferson Street Public Library, while Dazz and Wrecker keep an eye on my borrowed 4 x 4. You gotta frickin' nail your ride to the damn parkin' lot if you're gonna be more than 5 minutes. And here's the thing I don't understand about this state: How come it costs about 3 bucks for a bottle of Chardonnay, but 20 bucks for a sandwich with a bag of tortillas? I don't get it.
Now for my first issue, I wanna report on an event that will take place at the Glendale Hilton tomorrow. It's called the Explosion of New World Wine. I'm gonna go and and check in the hotel tonight before the event in preparation for my attendance. Did you know you can stay in a major hotel for free? I do it all the time. You just walk in with a briefcase you just jacked and act like you own the place. Then you head to the convention level where they always have coffee and food left over on those long draped tables. You slip under the security cameras and slide under a table when no-one's around. Then you have a nice little tent and you set up camp with some desserts and grab some pillows and stuff off of one of the housekeeping carts. In the morning you shower in the fitness club and tour the halls lookin' for breakfast croissants and toast, laid out for the peckerwoods attendin' various seminars!
So I'm headin' out to Glendale soon and will keep y'all apprised as to my first event I'll be reportin' for the Deacon's newsletter. I'll write a trenchant review of wass happenin' here on the West Coast.
Special correspondent for His Grapeness Deacon Dr. Fresh
Colio Estate Wines Rock the Deacon's Sox!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
The Deacon Reviews "Beulah Land" - All Mojo and no Mofo!
The second track brings in the George Clinton funk a bit and is not to my taste, but track 4 "If I Even Wake" is truly beautiful with vocals as forward as the fruit in an Oz Shiraz. I especially enjoyed track 5 "Southbound" which is an up-tempo railroad-style blues with classic train-whistle harmonica and a chugging tempo that goes real lurch with the clean guitar stylings.
The bottom line is: there's somethin' for every blues lover on this record, from the plodding deliberation of "The Sun is Going Down Again" with it's powerful anti-racist lyrics, to the blistering Charlie Musslewhite style blues-harp on the raunchy "Separation Blues". This is a record that blues fans will love and those new to the art form will grow to love very quickly. You can easily set it on in the background or take a meditative drive with a bottle of Shiraz.
You can pick up "Beulah Land" at Sam's downtown or Soundscapes on College Street. Get off your butt and buy this record and support a Canadian talent.
Nice work Peter. The Deacon approves. Quit your day job.
This is where you belong...
You heard me.
Deacon Dr. Fresh
More current than Rolling Stone