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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

William Shatner Invades Niagara!

Reuters News Service, Niagara-on-the-Lake
November 15th, 2006.

Where no man has gone before...

In a surprising career move, William Shatner, AKA "Captain James T. Kirk" has begun buying up vineyards and wineries on St. David's Bench and further down the Niagara Escarpment. So far two of the smaller wineries have fallen under Shatner's relentless financial pressure, Williamswood Estate Winery and Misty Meadows Family Winery. Both wineries have produced critically acclaimed red wines in the past, including Cabernet Franc and in the case of Misty Meadows, an award winning VQA Pinot Noir in the Burgundian style. However, a couple of bad winters has decimated both vineyards, sending them into receivership.

"I'm helping out Niagara" said Shatner in a telephone interview from his suite at the Queen's Landing Hotel. "I love Canada, and I'll always be a Canadian at heart. I've never given up my Canadian roots. After all, I was born in Montreal and I've been a Montreal Maple Leafs fan all my life. Canada's fantastic! It's just that the US is much much better. America gives me the women and the lifestyle I deserve and the money I need for my newest venture; buying up wineries and uniting them under one Federation banner!"

Indeed, it would appear that Shatner intends to continue his expansion. With his phasers locked on several Niagara Wineries, he appears to be moving towards massive consolidation of his power. "I want to own the Niagara Escarpment! I'm going to own it all!" he gloated. "Then all the grapes from all the vineyards will be mashed together into one uniform and equal juice. Then we'll begin bottling Federation Wine under the Star Trek logo!"

"He's a bastard" said Misty Meadows' Tom Fieldstone. "That's all there is to it. He's a complete bastard." The Williamswood Family could not be reached for comment. Emotions are running hot in the Niagara Region though. Henry of Pelham's Daniel Speck attended the press briefing and was heard to shout "Beam this up, Kirk!", flinging a bottle of Baco Noir, which narrowly missed Shatner's head. Equally angry was Coyote's Run Estate Winery's Jeff Aubry who says he's not above organizing "a small but violent group of vigilantes" who will "kick Kirk's ass back to Rigel 4!"

On another note, the LCBO has stated in a press release that they will "gladly stock and enthusiastically promote any wine that this great Canadian Icon produces!"

More as this story develops...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"For God sakes Jim, I'm a doctor - not a winemaker"!
What the hell is that man thinking!


11:25 AM  

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