Deacon Dr. Fresh Wine Newsletter

A Wine Newsletter With An Edge - Definitely NOT your typical white bread, mofo, cracker, peckerwood, jank, peckercracker wine newsletter! If this info is too advanced for you, check out my other newsletter: Wine for Dix at http://winefordix.blogspot.com

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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The Deacon Throws Down The Gauntlet!

The dispute as to who is the Undisputed Lord of the Grape is still being disputed! Many of my loyal readers have written, axing Yours Truly how the Million Dollar Nose of Robert Parker compares to the psychedelic Hendrix attuned mastery of the Deacon's own olfactory and gustatory powers. Here's a sample:
Dear Deacon Dr. Fresh: I love your brilliance, but am confused. Should I listen to you, or Robert "The Nose" Parker? Who's the top dog in the vineyard? - Stanley St. Catherines Ontario
Well Stanley, I'm tempted to send you to my other website, Wine for Dix (http://winefordix.blogspot.com) but will restrain myself this once! Here's how you figure it out...
What does Nosey Parker know about Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Black Label Society or Throwdown? How many of Slash's guitar picks does he own? How many Rickson Gracie Brazilian Jiu Jitsu seminars has he attended? How many tattoos does Parker have? The answer to all of these incredibly telling questions is JACK! Why should we listen to him pontificate on wine? Has Parker ever looked lurch? I don't think so! In fact, if you look at the photograph, he actually looks pretty damn jank! And not just jank, but cracker-jank! I mean look at that collar! He looks like he's ready to receive your confession! Is he tastin' wine, or sayin' Mass? For all the above reasons, your beloved Deacon has no alternative but to challenge Robert Parker to a duel...
In the Octagon!
Here's the rules: Robert Parker must fight the Deacon in a classic No Holds Barred fight. Fish-hooking and eye-gouging are not permitted, neither are weapons. Each contestant must consume 2 litres of Australian Shiraz within 20 minutes of the bout. Each contestant is allowed one corner man. The fight will be 3 rounds of 10 minutes each. The victor can win by knockout, submission (triangle choke, kimura, etc.) or if the opposing corner throws in the towel. Parker can have Robert "Fume Blanc" Mondavi as his Second and the Deacon chooses the extremely lurch Billy Munnelly of Billy's Best Bottles as his own Second and Cut Man.
Parker has until Midnight, October 15th to confirm and arrange the weigh-in or forfeit's by default. The Winner will be automatically declared His Excellency President Dr. Wineman For Life.
Here's the prediction: If Parker agrees, it will end within 3 minutes of the first round. The Deacon will punch Parker's lights out, destroy his legs with Muay Thai kicks to the lateral femoral nerve, leg-sweep him and choke him on the ground. Let's see if Spike TV picks it up...
You heard me.
Deacon Dr. Fresh
Winemaster of the Octagon

4 Comments:

Anonymous Chris "The Catsmasher" Leben said...

Yo Deacon!

My money's on you!

Choke him out.

2:30 PM  
Anonymous Chris said...

I wanna see this battle end with a classic underwood "rip his ears off" throw, followed by an elbow to the #9 and a submission by black breath. I'll give you some real crap wine to create the knockout breath.

That oughta do it.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Deacon Dr. Fresh said...

You can count on the Deacon to deliver the submission! Thanks for the encouragement.

11:49 AM  
Blogger Heeputt said...

Deac,

the real nose parker was the bird! man could he play with his nose full. just didn't like the grape.

8:20 PM  

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