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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

World's Lurchest Wine Writer - The Gangsta of the Grape - The Sultan of Shiraz - The Buccaneer of Burgundy - The Prince of Pinot Noir - Yellow Tail's Bane - Locus of the Ladies' Focus - Wielder of the trousered Hammer of Thor - I have arrived to rescue the wine world from overly-serious, rigid, deconstructionist, rooster juice peckerwoods who'd never dream of gettin' a tattoo or crackin' a smile. I am without a doubt, the smartest, funniest and toughest sumbitch in the entire wine industry. And I aint goin' away. All disputes will be settled bare-knuckled in the Octagon. You heard me. Oh, and by the way...Bite me crank!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Sauvignon Blanc, Cat-Pee, or Urine Idiot!

Greetings All and Sundry:

This just in:

Dear Deacon: I've recently had a weird thing happen and I hope you can explain it to me. I am a huge Sauvignon Blanc freak. I drink it at least once per week, a bottle at a time, favoring the Marlborough Bay New Zealand type. I always have my favourite meal which goes so well with it, namely: Grilled herbed-chicken or Cornish Hen, asparagus with roasted almonds, green peppers and herbed wild rice. Lately though, I've noticed that shortly after dinner there's a really strong and unpleasant odor after I urinate. I read in a magazine that the descriptors for my beloved Sauvignon Blanc may include, grass, herbaceous, lime, tropical fruit, and...wait for it...cat pee! Is it possible that I'm actually ingesting some form of cat urine extract used to flavour the wine and that's what I'm noticing? - Disturbed, Toronto
Answer: You're disturbed alright cracker! Listen to me...Nobody puts cat urine in wine; not even the French! What your nose is detecting is mercaptan that comes from the asparagus. Mercaptan is a particularly vile, odiferous, sulfurous chemical that smells like it originated in the very backside of Satan. It is added to natural gas so you know when it's leaking from your stove. It's not known whether only some people produce the mercaptanized urine after asparagus by processing the aspartic acid it contains, or whether everyone produces it but only some people have the genetics to smell it. There's a mythology that states that only super-intelligent people carry the gene that causes the asparagus after-odor. Based on the Deacon's own malodorous post-asparagus urine...it's true.
You heard me.
Deacon Dr. Fresh
Urologist of the Grape

2 Comments:

Anonymous Jonas said...

Wassup!

Just thought I'd drop you a note that I found a great Sav blanc at Vintages from South Africa. At least I liked it. Two Oceans is the maker. It's under $10.

Recently I found it cheaper than prescription drugs when this bastard cranked my neck virtually OFF my head in a friendly wrestling match. I went home and downed the whole bottle in an instant. Pain disappeared. Amazing.

I drink it a LOT.

8:26 AM  
Blogger Deacon Dr. Fresh said...

Yo Jonas! Two Oceans does make an OK S.B. for the price. It picks up some of the tropical notes but is still crisp. It's a 10 buck wine that drinks like...a 10 buck wine. It's a fine anaesthetic though! Try hookin' a bottle up to your IV drip next time you are recovering from a cage fight.

You heard me.

Deacon Dr. Fresh

12:28 PM  

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